Collapsed
by SherbetKitty
Summary: If I knew that you were mine, I wouldn't have wasted time. Catherine's thoughts on her relationship with Gil. My first CSI and Grillows fic! Read and review! GC! ONESHOT.


Disclaimer: I don't own any characters on CSI and the song "Collapsed" is sung by Aly and A.J.

A/N Hey! This is my first CSI fic! And my first GC one too! I'm sorry for any mistakes or OOC-ness. Hope you enjoy!

**"Collapsed"**

"Catherine!"

I turned at the sound of my name. It was Gil. I stopped walking. "Yeah?"

He caught up to me and hesitated. "Do you want a lift home?" he finally managed out. "I'll get you in the morning."

For a moment I wondered why he wanted to take me home. I mean, I usually get here myself and get home myself. I thought about it. "Sure, why not."

I could see a flash of happiness in his eyes but it was gone in a second. I grabbed my things from my office and met Gil in the car park.

_You were the one  
That I couldn't find  
Hidden away  
In the depths of my mind  
_

I got in the car as Gil started the engine. It was quiet. We never really did have the need to communicate that much. Then again, we haven't really spoken lately.

"So," he began and we drove out the car park. "How have you been? Anything planned for the weekend?"

I turned my head to look at him. "I'm fine. Nothing planned for the weekend. You?"

"Oh, uh, dinner."

I raised an eyebrow, "With?"

"Sara."

_  
Why did I let you go  
You're too good to be true  
I messed it up and now I don't know what to do  
We ran in circles and wasted time  
From right to wrong  
From right to wrong  
_

I should have known that. I've seen him recently. He looks happier. So does Sara. They both do. I don't know why I never saw it before. Then again, he never did tell me. I found out on my own, holding each other closely in the locker room. They made me swear not to tell, and I promised I wouldn't. I left the locker room immediately after that.

I was too late. I let my feelings hide away for too long. I had lost my chance with him.

_  
If I knew that you were mine  
I wouldn't have wasted time  
I wish I could erase the past  
Now its all collapsed  
In my lap  
_

I guess I never thought he'd actually get serious with someone. I guess I always thought that he would be available to me. Somewhere in my heart I thought he felt something more than friendship for me. I suppose I must've interpreted his actions the wrong way.

I never thought he'd be with Sara, actually. I expected Lady Heather, or Sofia even. Sure, I noticed Sara's crush on Gil but who didn't. Gil always refused her gently though. What was different this time?

_  
I over thought  
So I locked up my heart yeah  
There you stood  
Your blue eyes hidden beneath your hood  
_

"Hey," Gil's voice broke through my thoughts. "What are you thinking about?"

I told myself to say 'Nothing' but somehow I said something else. "Us."

"Us?" he repeated.

Oh, shoot! Um, I need a cover! "Yeah, us. You know. Us." That was so bad. And by the look on his face, he knew it too.

"Are you okay, Cath?" he said in a concerned tone.

"Yeah, I'm fine." I paused. "Why did you want to take me home?"

He didn't answer immediately. "I don't know. We just… haven't spoken in a while."

We still aren't speaking much in a car but I nodded although he was focused on the road. "Yeah. I guess work has been really tough." I sighed inwardly. 'And your relationship with Sara,' I thought to myself.

"Yeah," he agreed. There was more silence. When did things become so awkward between us?

_  
Why did I let you go  
You're too good to be true  
I messed it up and now I don't know what to do  
We ran in circles and wasted time  
From right to wrong  
From right to wrong  
_

I think things changed since he went out with Sara. He never spoke to me anymore. Everytime I passed his office, he was talking to Sara and I didn't want to intrude. When he wasn't with her, he was working. He's also been taking cases with Sara too. I don't know what I'm feeling. Jealousy? Left out? Whatever it is, I don't like it. I especially don't like us not talking.

I don't want to say anything and sound jealous. Was I jealous though? Was I really jealous of Gil and Sara's relationship? Why? Because I love him.

_  
If I knew that you were mine  
I wouldn't have wasted time  
I wish I could erase the past  
Now it's all collapsed  
In my lap  
_

I remember going out with some guys after work. I was happy for a moment, but none of them was him. Gil, I mean. Chris was sweet when I met him. He turned out to be a cheating… person. Adam was nice, that is until he hit me with the car door. I had to say that I walked into a door. I knew no one would believe that, but that was all I had. Why wasn't I happy with the guys I met? They made me happy. Until they did something to hurt me. I didn't want them. I wanted Gil Grissom.

_  
My mind is blank just like a clean slate  
Will I meet another guy with the same blue eyes  
And the same name, with the converse shoes I gave.  
Will he have the same laugh  
Wear my homemade hat.  
Bet I'll make another mistake.  
And think he's just another fake._

Wish I could erase the past now  
Wish I could bring you back  


Before we knew it, I was almost home. The whole trip was pretty much silent and awkward. It was driving me insane. I wanted to say something, but I didn't know what. I don't talk to him anymore. I don't know what's going on in his life. I wanted to say something. I _had_ to say something.

"So, when are you picking me up tomorrow?" Of all the things I could have said, I say that. Oh, Catherine, what is wrong with you?

"Oh, um, I'll call you. We could get something to eat afterwards. If you want to, that is," he said.

"Sure, that'd be fine. I'd like that." There are so many more things I'd like, but I have to take it slow. I hadn't noticed that he had pulled into my driveway until he looked at me.

"Catherine? We're here," he said quietly.

I snapped out of it. "Oh. Well, thanks for the ride, Gil. It was nice." Nice? More like uncomfortable. "I'll, um, see you tomorrow then. Good night!" Yes, good night, Gil. Sleep tight. I love you.

_  
If I knew that you were mine  
I wouldn't have wasted time  
I wish I could erase the past  
Now it's all collapsed  
In my lap  
_

I watched as Catherine gracefully stepped out of the car. "Good night!" I called out to her.

"Thanks!" she called back.

As she searched for her keys in her bag, I sighed to myself. I had wasted so much time hiding my feelings for her. I finally gave in to Sara's attempts and we've been working it out fine. I couldn't spend all my life wanting a woman who will never want me in that way. I wanted to say something to Catherine about how I felt, but I couldn't. I couldn't ruin a perfectly good friendship by saying something stupid.

Inside the dark car I waited until she was inside before pulling out of the driveway. 'Good night, Catherine. I love you.'

_  
If I knew that you were mine  
I wouldn't have wasted time  
I wish I could erase the past  
Now it's all collapsed  
In my lap_

A/N Happy birthday Catherine (26th March)!! Well, it's the 26th in Australia anyway. Yay! I had a mini party for her. My teacher thinks I'm insane. Heh. Anyway, how was that for a first CSI/Grillows fic? Like it? Please review! I would really appreciate it!


End file.
